I know this is a pointless thing to ask, but I have been drinking so my judgement is impaired, but who are you people using MacOs X?
I am not drunk enough to forget that I have a backspace key, but the night is still young.
I am no good at saying goodbye, it is a skill I have never managed to acquire or if I have acquired it, develop. I was reminded of this twice today, while saying goodbye to my lunch companions. The goodbye was extra poignant because this would be the last time I would see both for six months to a year. While this is not would be unusual, I see them both maybe every two months as it is, the fact that this was an enforced ... separation and not one of choice as it is normally is, made it different, more ... deserving of some kind of artful goodbye. A goodbye which I sadly could not deliver on either occasion. Depressing, I know.
I am underemployed, I also enjoy daydreaming. These two factors I discovered today are probably going to make me mentally ill or exacerbate the situation which currently exists. I am undecided if I actually am currently mentally ill or if I am just suffering because of the house that I live in. I am going with the fact t hat it is the house I live in. Here there is no incentive, no reason to strive to be all that I can be. There is nothing other than pride, and sadly I have no pride. I care little for myself or my achievements. This I understand is no good in our world. In certain Eastern philosophies I am well on my way to enlightenment, but the thing is, I don't look good in orange and I like eating meat. Orange makes my cheeks and face look redder and beef and bacon are just too fucking delicious.
Internal stimuli is not working for me so I have to work with external stimuli. I need to find that and I need to find it quickly. Unlike my sister who is always striving and desiring more than just an existence, all I want is shelter, food and clothing and I currently have that. Life is good, it is complete as far as I am concerned.
I discovered last night something I believed to be true. It was a bitter sweet discovery.
Sunday I move. Sunday I go somewhere where I have discovered that I actually do have drive and determination when I am pushed into it. Of course, it is something I will have to work on and something I will have to want. Why I am so fucking content?
That is all.
